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| Welcome to this issue of Love & Wealth, where I explore the secrets of a happy and financially successful marriage by interviewing couples who made it work (or learned the hard way).
This week’s interview was with Donna and Mike, corporate technology professionals whose marriage is still going strong after 34 years.
Religious and class differences made their marriage stronger and gave them new perspectives.
-Thomas
P.S. Forward this newsletter to a couple from different religious, class or cultural backgrounds. If someone forwarded this to you, sign up here |
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| | How It Started
Donna and Mike dated for three years before getting married in 1991.
Those three years weren't just about falling in love. They were about reading books, taking classes, and navigating what Donna describes as their biggest struggle as a couple.
"We needed the data. We read a lot of books, we took a lot of classes and we wanted to make sure we were going into this with our eyes open."
What made those years so challenging? They were merging two different worlds. Mike grew up Jewish with a lawyer father in a white-collar family where college was expected.
Donna grew up French-Canadian Catholic, in a blue-collar household where she was the first generation to go to college.
An example of the difference: When they bought their house, Donna's family was deeply worried. A mortgage was alien to them, it felt risky. Mike's family didn't think twice about it.
Despite familial differences, something crucial aligned.
"We also were lucky that even before we were married, we knew… our attitudes and our spending lined up," Mike said.
Neither was frivolous. They both valued saving over consuming.
That alignment would prove valuable through decades of marriage. |
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Managing Money
From the beginning, Donna and Mike were true to their technical backgrounds and tracked everything in a shared spreadsheet. Today it's a simple Google Sheet.
They both work on the weekly and monthly budgeting together, but when it comes to long-term financial planning, Donna leans on Mike's knowledge while keeping herself informed.
"Any major purchases we talk about," Mike said.
"There's a way to pursue your passions without taking on huge amounts of expenses or debt," Mike explained. "But the flip side is if you get something that's really crappy, then it's not a good experience, right?"
His advice: Find the value sweet spot.
"You don't need the best, you need something pretty good. That last 2% is way too expensive.”
Their budgeting philosophy is practical. They track spending not to restrict themselves, but to understand patterns.
"We really haven't used it to limit things. We haven't said, oh, we only have $10 to make it through coffee for the end of the month. We kind of look at it and say, oh, this has been a problem. Or we can do more here."
This is exactly the attitude that I advocate for when working with clients. A budget is not meant to be restrictive, only to create awareness, and to answer the question “am I spending inline with my goals/purpose”.
Their careers followed similar paths. Both worked in technology as individual contributors, neither climbing into management. They maxed out corporate benefits early.
"Any opportunity we got from the company, we took advantage of and maxed out on it to try and start building that nest egg," Donna said.
They caught the tail end of pensions and the beginning of 401(k)s. They maxed out both.
Donna's career had three distinct phases: 14 years in technology, 14 years raising their kids, and the last 14-16 years running a genealogy business.
Mike stayed in corporate technology throughout, what he jokingly calls being "a mediocre corporate tool" in an era when you could build a stable career without piecing together gigs. |
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| Their Influences
Mike's mother left him with crucial wisdom shaped by her own experience.
When she was widowed in the 1960s, she had no financial identity. No credit. No accounts in her name. It created real problems.
That lesson stuck.
"It was very important for Donna especially to have not necessarily financial independence, but a financial identity," Mike said.
Both sets of parents drilled insurance into them: health insurance, car insurance, liability insurance, long-term care insurance.
Donna's mother had ALS and lived seven years instead of the predicted three. Long-term care insurance saved her father financially during those seven years of home health aides and medical equipment.
"My dad was so grateful that he had long-term care insurance," Donna said. "We just recently this year bought me some long-term care insurance just because of the influence of my parents."
Their parents also taught them to always have an emergency fund and never live paycheck to paycheck, regardless of income level.
"You will always have health insurance. You will always have an emergency fund. Right. You don't gamble with that. No, ‘I'll take my chances.’ No, no, no, no," Mike said.
They also received advice in their 20s that shaped their entire financial trajectory. "Whatever you can invest now is going to have a lot of time to grow. And same thing with college funds. Whatever you can invest when they're at the very beginning has a lot of time to bloom," Donna said.
Mike's parents seeded their kids' college funds substantially, giving them a head start. Both of their kids graduated debt-free, which Mike acknowledges is increasingly rare. |
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| Marriage Foundation
When asked what foundation their marriage is built on, Mike first jokes: "Sex."
Donna laughs and says: "Trust."
After some back and fourth, they list what matters: trust, respect, humor, balance, and communication.
Trust and respect do the heavy lifting.
"I am not one of those people that expects him to read my mind and know if I'm upset about something or why I'm upset about something," Donna said. "I always like to just put it right out there and say, this is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm thinking. This is what's going through my mind right now."
Communication and balance weave through everything they do.
"It's all about balance. Balance and communication," Donna said. "Gotta talk about it and you gotta kind of weigh now versus later."
Mike also shared wisdom from his late brother-in-law.
"If we have exactly the same opinions, are exactly the same person, then one of us is redundant. We don't bring anything to the relationship."
This quote echoes another successful couple, Peg and Ed, a few issues ago. |
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| Peg said “We understand that we're individuals, so we're not going to agree 100%, nor would I want to. That would, I think, be uninteresting." |
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| Mike and weren't joined at the hip. Mike's mother and stepfather modeled having independent interests and activities alongside shared ones. That balance between togetherness and independence shows up in how they've managed family and career.
"You clearly have to make that a conscious choice," Mike said about prioritizing family time. "I will be home for dinner. Whether it's deciding that I'm going to pick a career that lets me do that or limiting your career and saying, look, I'm leaving the office at 5:30 because I'm going to be home, or I'm going to go to the kids' baseball game." |
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| Earned Wisdom
At 60, Donna had what she calls "the great awakening" this year.
"I'm not done doing the stuff I want to do. There's lots of places I want to go and things I want to do. And God willing, someday our kids will have kids. And I want to be around to see that and probably be strong enough to hold them. So I need to start taking care of my body to try and make sure I get another 10, 15 years out of it." She made big changes last summer to prioritize her health.
Mike has always played tennis, which keeps him active, but they both admit health hasn't been their strongest area.
Their advice to newlyweds centers on the themes that have carried them through 34 years.
Balance and communication top the list.
"You gotta talk about it and you gotta kind of weigh now versus later," Donna said. They also emphasize not letting small annoyances become deal-breakers.
"You have to make the decision like, okay, that's not a deal breaker. I'm not going to let that crush me. And I'm not gonna harp on that constantly," Mike said.
Sense of humor is key.
"The dishes in the sink and the laundry on the floor or whatever. You have to decide, is that something I'm going to pick on or not?" Mike said.
Mike reflected on what makes their marriage work. "We haven't had a lot of practice with disagreements. People say, how do you do that, isn't it hard work? No, it hasn't been for us."
But that ease came from intentionality early on. Three years of dating. Books. Classes. Honest conversations about religion, class, and money before walking down the aisle.
"We wanted to make sure we were going into this with our eyes open," Donna said. They did. And 34 years later, they're still looking at the world together, Google Sheet open, deciding what comes next. |
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Your Wealth & Relationship Builder
Activity: Plan a "culture share" evening where you each introduce your partner to a tradition, food, or practice from your family background that the other hasn't experienced. Cook a meal together, share stories, or attend an event that reflects where you came from.
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On your next money date, use these free prompts to begin a conversation, remembering Donna and Mike’s story: What financial attitudes or money stories from your family of origin do you bring to this relationship? Are they similar or different from your partner's?
Donna and Mike discovered their spending attitudes aligned before marriage. How do your attitudes toward saving, spending, and risk compare? Where do you match up and where do you differ?
They spent three years dating and preparing for marriage, reading books and taking classes about interfaith marriage. What resources or preparation might strengthen your partnership? What conversations haven't you had yet?
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Hit reply, and let me know what you come up with. |
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| | Until next time, Thomas Anzivino Managing Director
@ Longitude
Financial Planning | P.S. Nominate someone you admire to share their story. |
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| | Click below to nominate friends, family and collogues to share their story of Love & Wealth |
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